The past few days have been very trying for me.
After the Code Yellow we had on Friday, I was shaken and just off for the rest of the evening. I had difficulty falling asleep.
The weekend was nice and relaxing.
There was a Code Yellow again on Monday during my planning period. I had some students working on yearbook and a few English seniors making up quizzes. One senior had a really difficult time with the event, and I listened to her talk and cry a little. These things really bring up stuff you don’t always know is there… and the closer we get to the anniversary, the harder it hits you.
As soon as the Code Yellow was over, I booked a 90-minute massage for myself for Monday evening. It was perfect.
Today was quiet at school. I gave a quiz to my English seniors. I spoke with one of my yearbook editors during lunch today, and a wave of emotions came over me. We were discussing upcoming deadlines, and I relayed how stressed I am. I began to tear up, and felt awkward doing so in front of a student. Truth be told, I’ve cried in front of students before – full on ugly crying – but I wasn’t expecting it today.
I went to the gym tonight. I felt ok when I got there. My trainer had us go outside to work on some cardio. I was with two other women (I pay for sessions just with her) & I wasn’t really feeling it. I felt foolish because I was having a tougher time doing the workout than they were; I know they weren’t judging me, but I also like to do my own thing and not be in a group workout. I was frustrated and felt like I was getting choked up again. I fought through the workout. At the end of the session when I paid for the week, I began to tear up when I told her that I’ve had a hard few days. She said that exercise is a great thing to relieve the stress and get it all out. While I know she’s right, it didn’t make it any easier.
I hate to blame everything on trauma and PTSD. I spoke with my psychologist about it at our last session. If you have cancer, diabetes, a broken arm, the symptoms and treatments are pretty straight forward. With trauma and PTSD, there’s no “one size fits all” for both symptoms, triggers, treatments or cures.
I don’t know what will set me off or trigger me all the time. Sometimes I can prepare if I know it’ll be something difficult. Other times I’m caught off guard, and that’s tough to deal with.